The Not a Princess and the Cow

Evoking the imagery of Roald Dahl if he were to fight his way out of a blender, Not a Princess and the Cow transgresses beyond the traditional fairy tale, empowering, inspiring, and befuddling young and old alike, though this twisted tale is especially well-suited for preteens and young adults. When a storm follows a young woman to a doomed king's door, the king sees hope for his kingdom for the first time in the form of a wife for his idiot son. The only problem is trying to prove she is a real princess. Invoking ancient wisdom, the king tries the old "squirrel in a pile of mattresses" trick to show how discomfort betrays a royal blood line. What happens to a goddess, not a princess? After numerous animals and mattresses, the king finds that he could strap this young woman to a cow for all she cares, which he does, only to realize he'd rather follow that cow-bound goddess than leave his kingdom to a clod. "But look at her Father, even dry with her clothes hanging limp, like laundry on the line, she is clearly meant to be my queen! She could not have slept well! She could not! She could not! She could not!" "I assure you I have never had a poor nights' sleep in my life." "It isn't true!" pleads the Prince. "I have never had to count so many as one sheep, neither have I ever awoken before it was time." "You do not know what you are saying!" the Prince cries leaping to his feet. "If I knew what I was saying, I would never bother to speak. Really it is the mystery that intrigues me." "But a queen should not sleep!" "Clearly it is preferable to sleep like a dream then to toss and turn while a queen." "You don't know what you're saying!" She slaps him and he recoils. "Sorry," She shrugs, "but you were going in reverse. I find that sometimes people need nudges to get going in the right direction again."